Curs'ed Commuter

Dec 3

Disaster Recovery

The poor elf, his nerves quite shattered now, ventured into the office and joined the rest of the assembled Elders. The Master shifted his vast velvet clad weight in his seat, his eyes narrowed to a piercing glare. “Report” he bellowed. The elf whimpered.

The Master set his fine rimmed spectacles on the desk and rubbed his eyes. Sleep evaded him. “How bad is it” he enquired. “The drifts are over 20 feet in places” the little elf replied. “It’s… still snowing. We have crews trapped down the peppermint mines and we’re going to have to start burning the coal for the naughty children. It’s… its… nearly as bad as…”

Silence returned to the room, the crackling dying embers of the fire and uneasy breathing of the Elders the only sounds to be heard. Minutes passed and finally the Master spoke. “This is as bad as ‘86. We can’t have a repeat of ‘86. So many lives are at stake. Summon the elves. We’re going to disaster recovery”. 20 tiny eyes drew wider and 10 deep breaths were drawn. Panic ensued.

Dec 2

The first instalment of my Christmas story.

He wiped the frost from the window with his embroidered sleeve and peered out into the frigid darkness. It was still snowing. And not the snow of pretty fairytales. This was snow that stuck. Lots of snow that stuck.

The tops of the trees were barely visible through the blizzard. Pretty until you realised the bottom 20 feet were under the drifts. He turned to the Elder next to him. “This is bad. Nearly ‘86 bad when… when…” His voice trailed off into a whimper. Nobody talks about ‘86.

The Elder turned abruptly and scampered off through the corridors, the tiny bells on his uniform tinkling cheerfully, belying his urgency. He tapped on the grand door to the Masters office and whimpered again. The Master was already in the foulest of moods. The doors swung open. He ducked as the teacup decorated with snowflakes hurtled past him and smashed against the wall.


(via tastefullyoffensive:video:via)

A Birthday Message From A Queen

Firstly, thank you to my family and friends for all your birthday wishes. You are most kind. Most of you.

As I sit in our gracious drawing room staring out at the snowy vista, I look back in fondness to all the fun and laughs the last year has brought to my life. It has truly been an annus inebriari.

I look forward to spending the next year with all of you. May our days be joyous and serve only to provide us all with more precious memories.

Much love. Let’s all be careful out there. Doctor Sheldon Cooper.

Dec 5


He stood at the entrance to His hovel and uttered a chuckle into the darkness. For ‘twas finally His time. And so, brushes and silvered paints in hand, He set out into the depths of the night, His breath hanging in the frigid winters air. And He commenced His work and painted every surface He should find with the delicate patterns He knew so well. He whirled through the sleepy villages and towns leaving no surface untouched, even the vast church windows becoming crazed with His intricate silver filigree. And as the sun began to rise he stood exhausted and surveyed His handiwork. And He did utter another deep chuckle. For once again the whole of the lands should come to know the name Jack.

15-Oct-13 0827

And the Sabbath did pass with great haste and Monday did arrive. And those curs’ed commuters were torn remorselessly from their their slumber. For their toil did await. And they arrived at the station and stood in the drizzle as they patiently awaited the train of the Country Crossed. And they paced back and forth, to and fro, the minutes dissected by the grand mechanical hourglasses high above. And they did long for their day of toil to pass as swiftly as the Sabbath. For the arms of their loved ones did await them.

10-Oct-12 0822

And, lo, the Day of the Hump was declared across the realm. And those curs’ed commuters gathered under the steely grey skies to await the Virgin, glad that they were nearly halfway through their week of toil. And they were overjoyed that the portents of the Writings on the Wall did come to pass and their conveyance was on time. All safely on board they set off and immediately ground to a halt. And those exasperated, wretched commuters shall be once again late for their toil. And they did curse the fateful celestial bodies which had forsaken them.

Oct 9

09-Oct-12 0822

And, lo, Tuesday did arrive. And the glorious sun did shine down upon those patient curs’ed commuters awaiting the arrival of the Virgin. The mantra of the Great Voice in the Sky did echo around the station as it brought unto them joyous portents of trains on time. And with a few minutes to spare they enjoyed the crisp autumnal morn, the crimson and bronze trees the herald of the changing seasons marching t’wards winter. And they were overjoyed. For the signs did come to pass and they boarded their conveyance. For there is no time to enjoy the wonders of nature whilst their toil did await them.

Oct 8

08-Oct-12 0814

The clamour of alarms across the realm did herald the lamented arrival of Monday. And that oh so curs’ed commuter dashed from his home to begin the long journey t’ward his toil. And he did wait impatiently for the infernal omnibus of the Realms Expresses. And waiting was the order of the morn. For the seconds passed to minutes and no amount of pacing to and fro was to elicit the damned conveyances arrival. Waiting, endless waiting, eternal waiting. And ‘twas to be yet another morn when the air shall be verily turned blue.

Oct 4

04-Oct-12 0822

The infernal omnibus of the Realms Expresses dawdled through the streets, those wretched and oh so curs’ed commuters muttering and furiously checking their timepieces. The seconds dragged into minutes and the damned conveyance finally drew up to the station, passengers dashing forth and panic ensuing. For true to the Laws of the Sod, they were late and the Virgin was on time. They scrambled up the stairs and ran down to their platform where they did see their conveyance disappear into the distance. And they did utter such obscenity they did verily turn the air blue.

Oct 3

03-Oct-12 0827

And the Day of the Hump was hailed across the realm. And the curs’ed commuters did wait patiently for the train of the Country Crossed. And they were overjoyed by the portents of trains on time brought unto them by the Great Voice in the Sky. And those portents did come to pass. But what calamity, their train did bring great commotion unto their morn. For a fellow traveller was summarily extracted from the carriage and separated from his repast of ale by the Centurions of the Laws. And those commuters had never heard such obscenity, and did watch with much consternation as the reveller lurched and slurred his way t’wards justice. And sobriety.

Oct 2

02-Oct-12 0825

And, lo, Tuesday did follow Monday. And those curs’ed commuters arrived from miles around to await the arrival of the Virgin. And they were forsaken. For the Writings on the Wall did declare that all trains shall be delayed. So those poor, wretched commuters did join the masses on the platforms, muttering great obscenity and bemoaning their fate. And they did beseech the Master of the Times for a train. Any train. But, alas, the Keepers of the Signals Red shall prevail. And they shall be late for their toil once again.

25-Sep-12 0822

And, lo, Tuesday did arrive. And the curs’ed commuters were once again astounded. For the portents of the Writings on the Wall were favourable. And they stood in the frigid air of the autumnal morn and waited patiently for their conveyance. And they were glad that the Mother of Nature had relented and the tempests had passed. For none had dared imagine how late an ark would deliver them unto their toil.

21-Sep-12 0818

And, lo, the glory of Friday was heralded across the lands. And those oh so weary, curs’ed commuters did thank their fateful celestial bodies that the Sabbath was nigh. And they did stand patiently awaiting the Virgin, the mechanical monotone of the Great Voice in the Sky echoing around the platform as it made promises of trains on time. And the assembled masses did guffaw at the thought that the Fat Controller should run his trains to time. And they did then verily fall to the ground in astonishment. For their conveyance was not on time. It was early.

17-May-12 0822

And the curs’ed commuters arrived at the station and were overjoyed. For the Virgin was on time and had arrived already, waiting patiently for the weary travellers to join the masses already on board. Taken completely by surprise, the astounded crowds crossed the shining silver lines of steel so straight and true hurriedly and boarded the train. But what calamity did befall those most wretched of commuters. For the normal order of their morn was shattered. And a fellow weary traveller had stolen their seat. And much consternation and anger did ensue as they ran back and forth through the train in search of some comfort on their journey t’ward their toil. But alas, they should be unsuccessful in their vain attempts and should have to stand. And they did despair.